A step back
We're close to the weekend and for once I'm really looking forward to it. I have no idea what I will be doing, but most probably nothing. I don't feel like seeing people — I do that all the time — I just want to rest, by myself. I'm contemplating doing a silent weekend. No talking, no sound. Just disconnected. I don't think I'm quite ready yet to do it though. Soon I hope.
This week I haven't really been able to acknowledge my feelings. As soon as the day kicks in it becomes the lowest of my priorities. Every time I'm feeling tired I'm jumping for a coffee. When I'm starting to feel unproductive I put some motivating music. When I start to think about myself I quickly open my work email or slack to see what's new. Yeah. I'm still escaping.
And it's hard not to no? So many things go on the whole day where I work. I come home, am tired, sleep. Repeat. I could literally spend years not thinking about anything else because I'd be kept in the motion of things. Sometimes I even feel good when my work day is over.
But then at night it's a different story. When I wake up it's a different story. My body and my subconsciousness are sending me messages any way they can and I'm not listening to them. I've understood their plea: stop doing that. Stop working so much. There's a whole life out there. But I'm ignoring it. I have a tendency not to change the status-quo. What if things get better in my life? Then I would want to keep working there. But if I keep working there, how can it get better in my life? I'm unsure I'd be able to change my working habits to be less involved. I think it's just who I am.